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Posts tagged ‘Honesty’

Anger & Anger-Management & Making New Choices


    ANGER
    And Anger-Management

Growth

A huge part of breaking with the past and, in particular, with our past maladaptive patterns and conditioning, and instead learning new responses (being able to actually make new and different choices), depends on our becoming more and more aware of our own inner processes and leading a more self-examined life.

Something that is very difficult to do.

In part because of our past conditioning—we just haven’t yet made it a habit of leading a very self-aware and very inwardly honest and open life.

But more likely the bigger obstacle will be our desire to steer clear of strong and painful emotions and not have to deal with our sore spots—sore spots which are still perhaps so very sensitive to the touch.

Do you remember that scene in “127 Hours” where James Franco, as Aron Ralston, is about to amputate his own arm and he finally reaches the fully exposed nerve and he has to sever it if he is to finally break free?

Such is the sensitivity and fear that many of us may feel when prompted to look honestly at ourselves and our patterns/schemas and our wounds—AND when we’re asked or prompted to give up or outgrow that part of ourselves. For better or worse, those wounds are a part of us, and they are infused with tremendous amounts of psychological and emotional energy that keep them in place and as a part of us. And so to break with the past and parts of ourselves, however maladaptive and counterproductive and self-defeating those parts are, will feel like an amputation, a death, a huge loss, and may require that we heroically sever some nerve-endings that are still hyper-sensitive to the touch.

But that is what growth requires—that level of relinquishment. Relinquishing the parts of ourselves that we need to outgrow, that contribute to our own and other’s unhappiness and pain, the parts of ourselves that just don’t work or play well with others. We have to be willing to give up those parts of ourselves that don’t work in order to make room for the new, for something healthier. And that’s a lot to ask a person; especially those who have already experienced a lot of pain and loss and heartbreak.

But that is what truth will do. It will shine a bright light on parts of our psyche that haven’t seen light for years, if ever. And that new light can be blinding and painful and too intense and oh so bright.

But it’s also what can heal us and allow us to transform our lives and become the person we know we have in us deep down inside and that we truly want to become in those moments when we are most honest with ourselves.

Anger

Anger is an emotion. As such it is neither good nor bad.

Anger can be a force for destruction or used for creative change.

Anger is stored in the body, causing stresses in your personal life, as well as both physical and mental illnesses.

Anger is energy which can be transformed into actions which benefit the community.

Anger is also a habit, which can be broken.

HOW?

Therapy can help you learn about the triggers which can set you off in a destructive manner, teach you new ways of looking at the things which set you off, as well as learning constructive ways of expressing that anger.

Schemas

Schemas are learned reactions to stress. Many of us have learned to react to stress in a manner which is neither beneficial to us, or to those around us.

Schemas begin as coping strategies; a way of avoiding dealing with a difficult emotion and situation.

And as such, they are self defeating, guiding our lives within a framework of distorted reactions, feelings and beliefs similar to when we first took a certain course of action. We’re still reacting as we first did when we were first wounded or hurt.

Schemas influence our perceptions of events without our being conscious of them. They hinder us in responding to things as they actually are; they keep us in the rut of counterproductive habits.

If reading or talking about schemas brings up emotions, it’s a good thing. We need to experience the emotions in order to begin the healing process. Allow yourself to feel the emotions without judging them, holding on to them, or evaluating them. Just let them pass.

A few of the most common Schemas are:

Abandonment

The prospect of being alone stirs up a deep sadness and feeling of isolation. The resulting fear and panic are signature emotions of the abandonment pattern. While many with this schema adopt a strategy of becoming clingy and constantly seeking reassurances in relationships, others may take an avoidance approach; steering clear of attachments to others to ensure not suffering as he did in childhood–they adopt a strategy of “I’ll leave you before you can leave me.”

Deprivation

My needs won’t be met. A deep sadness and hopelessness stemming from the conviction that one will never be understood or cared for. People with the deprivation schema often feel angry that their needs are being ignored and that their fears and insecurities are not being placated. That anger in turn covers an underlying loneliness and sadness. For some, the deprivation schema stems from a lack of nurturance, warmth or affection. Others may have been deprived of empathy because no one tuned into the feeling the person had as a child. Sometimes it was merely a lack of guidance and direction that every child needs.

Mistrust

People can’t be trusted. Suspiciousness typifies this schema. People can’t be trusted is the core belief of this schema. Quickness to anger and rage occur frequently. They are constantly vigilant in relationships fearing that people will take advantage of them or otherwise betray them. Because they are so wary of people’s intentions they have a hard time getting close to people and opening up. Intellectual functioning is compromised and highly biased: the other person is scrutinized, oneself is not. Because they are so distrustful, they often try to beat the other to the punch by also adopting a strategy of “I’ll leave you before you leave me.”

Vulnerability

Loss of control lies at the core of the vulnerability pattern. The exaggeration of something small into an imagined, full fledged disaster. The feeling that some catastrophe is about to strike. Ordinary fears escalate out of control. The child learns to worry too much; and as an adult still does.

Often a parent who would frequently imagine that some catastrophe was about to take place will pass this same tendency onto her children. Sometimes it is because real problems are threatening. The message received by the child is that the world is a dangerous place.

Anxiety or apprehension in anticipation of a true crisis can serve a useful purpose when it causes us to take needed actions. Evacuating when a flood or fire threatens, for example. But this same anxiety becomes dysfunctional when it continues past the point of preparing for a true problem.

People prone to panic attacks are often victims of this schema. As are those who over prepare or grossly limit their activities in order to feel safe. Some incessantly seek reassurances or develop private rituals, checking their locks three times each time they leave home. Other go in for risky pursuits to show their fears are misplaced; skydiving for instance.

Entitlement

People with the entitlement schema feel special. They believe that they are entitled to do what ever they want whenever they want. They secretly see themselves as above everyone else. Laws are for others, not them. They can fly into a rage when others don’t immediately recognize their specialness and give way to them. They have little empathy or concern for those they take advantage of. Selfish, impulsive and childish, even as adults.

This attitude can develop from being spoiled as a child. Parents who set no limits for their children, giving their children whatever they want, rarely punishing them or having them take responsibility for anything put their child at risk of developing this schema.

Another way this schema can develop is through a reaction to being deprived of attention, affection or material need in childhood. Those who develop this schema through this method are so aggravated over being deprived in childhood they feel they are entitled to more than their fair share as adults. They feel a sense of inadequacy, even shame, which they cover over with narcissistic pride.

Transforming Anger

The Dalai Lama’s method of Transforming anger is highly recommended. Condensed from “The Art of Happiness” it is a simple to understand four-step method that has one requirement. The requirement is to be honest with yourself.

Step one

The first step is to write down what is making you angry. Take your time with this. If you have a lot of things making you angry, pick the one making you the angriest. If you find yourself getting angry as you write, take a break. Go out for a walk or do something you feel calming. Tell yourself, I’m addressing my anger, I’m working to resolve my anger Take the time you need. Then go back and continue writing. Write down all the details about it. When you think you’re done, ask yourself, Anything else? Write it down.

Step two

The second step is to ask yourself: Did I contribute anything to this situation? Write down all the contributions you made. It may be eighty percent of the situation, or it may be one percent. Write it down. When you think you are done, ask yourself, “Anything else?” If you think of anything else, write it down.

Step three

The third step is to ask yourself: What was the other person’s perspective? Write it down. “What was the other person view of what happened?” Did that other person see some danger to themselves or one of their loved ones? What was the other person’s perspective? Was the other person doing the best he or she could? Write it down. Was the other person in over their head? Was the other person dealing with a new situation? Sometimes it isn’t a person you may be angry with. If you’re angry with God, ask yourself “What was God’s perspective?” Were you being given a challenge to overcome? Are you being requested to improve your life or the lives of others? If the answer feels right to you, it is the right answer.

Step four

Anger is a perceived injustice. If you have gotten this far and still feel anger, either you hid something from yourself along the way, or an actual injustice was done.

Anger is energy stored in the body. It will seek action and release. It is up to individuals to find ways to release this energy in a way that will benefit themselves and society. MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING (MADD) was formed by parents angry over the death or injury to a child, or other loved one. NAMI was formed by parents and family members who were angry over the lack of knowledge, treatments and care available to those of us with a mental illness. They have changed things. But, more work needs to be done.

Write down what you can do to make things better for someone else who may be in a similar situation…and then do it.

Much of this was adapted from — http://www.approach2balance.org/id23.html

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The Four Agreements. The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally


    The Four Agreements
    The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally

I get the gist of what Ruiz is trying to communicate with his advice of “Don’t take anything personally,” and there’s certainly some wisdom to it, but unfortunately he’s trying to make an absolute out of something that likely isn’t meant to be an absolute, and that if it were an absolute would render human interaction and human relationships meaningless; every relationship and every interaction would be completely self-referential and solipsistic and narcissistic; other people aren’t real and there’s no real contact or communion possible between people.

Let us imagine an ordinary husband and wife—well, not completely ordinary; let’s imagine a husband and wife who have read “The Four Agreements” and who are following Ruiz’s advice. . . . (down the rabbit hole we go . . . )

Husband: “What a lovely morning. It’s such a joy to wake up next to you each morning. I love you so much, my dear, thank you for being a part of my life. But don’t take any of that personally.”

Wife: “I love you too, darling, sooo much. My life is so much better with you in it. But don’t you take that personally either.”

Husband: “Now let’s get up and wake the kids and tell them that we love them but not to take it personally.”

What an absurd relationship that would be. And what a delightful little brood of antisocial rugrats they would be contributing to society. Nothing would mean anything. Nothing that anyone said to them or that they said to another. Everyone would just glide along in their own little solipsistic and narcissistic insular self-protective Teflon bubble or monad (Leibniz). What a world. And what an utter waste of life.

These are Ruiz’s own words: “Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don’t take it personally. . . . Don’t take anything personally. . . . Even at the extreme” (pg. 53).

And, “Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me” (pg. 51).

And, “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give . . . come from all the programming they received during domestication” (pg. 49).

But earlier he writes, “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. . . . [I]f I see you on the street and I say, ‘Hey, you are so stupid,’ without knowing you, it’s not about you; it’s about me” (pg. 47).

The first problem is that Ruiz is not being impeccable with his word: “without knowing you”—why add that phrase? Because it would seem to imply that if he knew someone well enough and then called the person “stupid,” then the remark would no longer just be about Ruiz himself, but actually about the other person, and perhaps even have merit. His wording and thinking seem, at the very least, a bit muddled here.

Secondly, he’s clearly taking everything off the table—not just words, but feelings, and actions. Ruiz wants his readers to take nothing that others say or do to us personally. Nothing. He’s using the categorical word “anything”—as in “Don’t take anything personally.” He didn’t say, “Don’t take too much stuff personally”—which would actually be sane, thoughtful advice.

Now I can appreciate the benefits of each of us trimming our need for, or our dependence on, social mirroring and what Schnarch terms “reflected sense of self” (or external validation). There’s much to be said about learning how to self-validate and form our own opinions and ideas about ourselves that are realistic and accurate. It just encourages a more examined and reflective way of life; it encourages honest self-awareness and emotional maturity and mindfulness; it encourages better and more accurate observational skills; and it encourages better critical thinking skills. And there’s also much to be said as well about not disempowering ourselves by putting ourselves in a reactive position where we are dependent on other people to define us and thus to make us feel a certain way (namely good about ourselves and who we are). Seen from this perspective, Ruiz is indeed correct when he writes that, “taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me’ ” (pg. 48). It is an example of what’s worst and weakest in us—and what we all must face and deal with if we are to actually grow; it is an example of what Ruiz, later in the book, will refer to as our inner “parasite” that we must confront.

I also agree with Ruiz that allowing others to define us is in many ways a very unwise and sketchy endeavor because most people are inherently dishonest and lie to themselves and thus to others, so therefore they are highly unreliable in their mirroring; they are highly unreliable narrators—they are not objective and fair and honest and free of distortions; so what they have to say about us will be highly distorted and warped, and we will end up with a reflected sense of self that looks like something out of amusement park funhouse. We will not see ourselves as we truly are, but in a highly bloated and distorted way. And how can we make our way through this world with grace and dignity and goodness when our map of ourselves is so inherently flawed and distorted from the getgo? Our map of reality, of the external world, will also be similarly botched and bungled and distorted. So Ruiz is right on the money when he writes: “Wherever you go you will find people lying to you, and as your awareness grows, you will notice that you also lie to yourself. Do not expect people to tell you the truth because they also lie to themselves” (pg. 57). But he misses the mark wildly in the very next sentence when he malignantly advises: “You have to trust yourself and choose to believe or not to believe what someone says to you.”

The only basis we have for trusting ourselves is the quality of our thinking and discernment—how deeply honest we are with ourselves, how up to snuff our critical thinking skills are. It’s not a question first and foremost of trust; it’s a question of the quality or level of our critical thinking. If our discernment (sense of judgement) and critical thinking skills are razor sharp and we are willing to be honest with and stringently examine ourselves and our own motivations and emotions, then a legitimate and abiding sense of self-trust is warranted. But to blithely advise people to trust themselves when their quality of life and the happiness and goodness of their relationships is a product of their own best thinking—which usually means a marked lack of any real rigorous, honest, courageous thinking—does his readership a grave disservice.

The reality is we need others. We all have blindspots; we all have areas of ourselves where we are ignorant. As Ruiz acknowledges elsewhere: “[W]e need truth to open the emotional wounds, take the poison out, and heal the wound completely. . . . Truth is like a scalpel. The truth is painful, because it opens all of the wounds which are covered over by lies so that we can finally be healed. These lies are what we call _the denial system_. . . . [T]he denial system . . . allows us to cover our wounds and still function. But once we no longer have any wounds or any poison, we don’t need to lie anymore. we don’t need the denial system, because a healthy mind, like healthy skin, can be touched without hurting. It’s pleasurable for the mind to be touched when it is clean” (pp. 115-6).

Truth means seeing ourselves as we are, or allowing ourselves to be seen as we are—which takes great honesty and courage and critical thinking skills—as well as helps to create and build these. Being truthful means getting rid of the blinders and overcoming our appetite for softeners, sweetness, having things soft-pedaled to us. It means really showing up and being present in our relationships and friendships: “Relationship is self-revelation; it is because we do not want to be revealed to ourselves that we run away and hide in comfort” (Krishnamurti). It means calling ourselves out on our excessive and bloated need for comfort, security, compassion, mildness, ease, fun, enjoyment, as well as denial, softeners, et cetera. It means weaning ourselves from the nipples that provide us sweet and easy to digest half-truths and developing the stomach (and the stones) for some solid food and solid thinking. “Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think” (Martin Luther King, Jr.). Amen to that!

The danger with following Ruiz’s admonition to not take “anything” personally and to absolutize this portion of his advice is that it actually stunts our thinking—especially our critical thinking skills. It promotes the development of individuals who are now even more closed-minded and avoidant and frightened—and who now have a neat new way of “legitimizing” it and rationalizing it! Instead of encouraging his readers to become better critical thinkers and to operate on insults and compliments legitimately, honestly, with calm reflection, Ruiz is encouraging his readers to dismiss them all in one fell swoop—to throw the baby out with the bathwater, not to bother trying to separate wheat from chaff, but just throw it all out—wheat and chaff together.

Not sound or mature thinking at all, on Ruiz’s part.

Why not suggest something more emotionally mature and intellectually honest? Why not suggest that instead of people not taking “anything personally,” instead advise them to honestly and fairly and calmly and dispassionately and objectively evaluate any criticism or compliment as well as the other person’s motivations for saying such a thing to us or about us? Why not suggest a path that is more truly empowering and thoughtful? Why instead suggest a path that cuts corners and that doesn’t encourage people to become more aware and to deal with things with more emotional maturity and self-control and objectivity? After all, sometimes the ugly things, the critical things, the things that are said to us in anger, maybe the truest and most accurate—

Never forget what a man has said to you when he was angry. If he has charged you with anything, you had better look it up. Anger is a bow that will shoot sometimes where another feeling will not.” (Henry Ward Beecher, “Life Thoughts,” pg. 190.)

It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. If you are angry with a man, or hate him, it is not hard to go to him and stab him with words; but to so love a man that you cannot bear to see the stain of sin upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words,—that -_is_ friendship. But few have such friends. Our enemies usually teach us what we are, at the point of the sword.” (Henry Ward Beecher, “Life Thoughts,” pg. 146.)

If we truly want to learn and grow as person psychologically and spiritually and emotionally then we to let more and more of this world in and show us who and what we are. And we also simultaneously need to learn how to raise our level of thinking and to think more critically—fairly, objectively, honestly; we need to lead a very examined and self-aware life; a life of ceaseless and tireless dedication to the truth and to reality.

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